Shocker: Hillary Divorces Bill, Marries Soros

October 25, 2007 - In a stunning development, Hillary Clinton has filed for divorce from Bill...in order to marry billionaire George Soros.

Coming on the heels of her recent interview with Essence magazine, the divorce is especially jarring. In the interview, Hillary stated:

Now obviously, we've had challenges as everybody in the world knows -- but I never doubted that it was a marriage worth investing in even in the midst of those challenges.

When questioned during the press conference today, Hillary was blunt:

What? That stuff in Essence? Well, I thought I meant it, but then I caught him laying the wood to yet another bimbo. We are done.

Her political handlers are desperately trying to spin this situation to her favor. "This divorce shows that Hillary is able to make decisions in changing circumstances," insisted her campaign manager. "She is able to see through the B.S. and can Move On rather than getting stuck repeating meaningless mantras like "Stay the course" or "Read my lips"."

Still, it will be interesting to see if her presidential aspirations are cut short by cutting Bill adrift. Many detractors have suggested that part of her attraction to the Democratic base is her marriage to Bill Clinton.

"And yet," confided one top Republican operative, "Hillary is only admitting what is already known behind the scenes. George Soros runs the "shadow party". Why keep Slick Willie on as First Husband when she can be with her real sugar daddy? Talk about good investments!"

Bill Clinton couldn't be reached for comment. However, at least one unconfirmed report placed him at a local cigar store.

Quote of the Day: Lord Vader

Who's your DADDY!!!

Sheehan Opens Double-Digit Lead Over Franken

October 24, 2007 - Recent polls indicate that activist Cindy Sheehan has opened up a 30-point lead over Al Franken in the race for "Least Relevant Libural". Sheehan supporters were dismayed.

"We believe in you, Cindy!" shouted an enthusiastic Code Pinker at the Crawford Peace House. "Don't give up! Fight for peace! Let's beat the crap out of the war-mongers!" When questioned further she hastily clarified that her words weren't meant to be taken literally.

For his part, Stuart Smalley (known to most as Al Franken) was quoted as saying, "I've never been happier being a big, fat loser."

Bugs Bunny Book: "What's Up, God?"

October 24, 2007 - The venerable Bugs Bunny is back on the scene...this time as an author. Bugs has penned a tale of his journey through life as an atheist, aptly titled "What's Up, God?"

"Let's face it, doc, God ain't out there," he cracked with his trademark cackle and knee slap. "If you think he is, ohhhhh brudder, you're a maroon. Hee hee hee hee!"

Critics charge that Mr. Bunny is simply cashing in on the recent surge in atheistic bestsellers. Some even suggest that the book was actually ghost-written by Richard Dawkins, the noted British atheist.

"Rubbish," answered Dawkins tartly. "I don't believe Bugs Bunny is real. I mean, honestly, I don't believe in God or the Tooth Fairy, whatever makes you think I'm going to give any credence to a talking, bipedal rabbit?"

We contacted Daffy Duck on the set of his new Duck Dodgers movie. Daffy, a devout Pastafarian, had this to say: "He's dessssspicable." When asked for further comment, Daffy bounced away head-over-heels yelling "Woo-hoo, woo-hoo, woo-hoo!"

Porky Pig (on set to play his role as the Eager Young Space Cadet) shook his head ruefully. "G-gosh, did B-b-bugs write that? I buhlee, I buhlee, I believe he m-may be s-singing a different suh-suh-suh...tune, when it's his t-time to s-say "Th-Th-That's all folks!"

Indeed he may, indeed he may. Until then, it's carrot juice on the French Riviera for Bugs.

Dems Unveil New Ad Campaign: F*ck The Neocons!

October 23, 2007 - The Democratic National Committee is set to unveil its new ad campaign, "F*ck The Neocons! Vote Democrat!". DNC operatives have high hopes for the next election cycle and see this series of ads as the proverbial "nail in the coffin". DNC chairman Howard Dean made the following statement:

"We're very excited, very excited. Our PR advisors, Sheister, Huckster & Hoakes, have outdone themselves. 'F*ck the Neocons!' really resonated with our focus groups. Hell, I could hear the hollering from three floors away. Who needs substantive issues? Yeeeeeaaahhh!!!"

Republican strategists were somber. "This campaign could be particularly effective," said Karl Rove. "Not only does it mobilize their base, it also pits the GOP against itself. I tip my hat to them. We're going to have to go back to the drawing board."

Inside sources at Sheister, Huckster & Hoakes confirm that other groups are pursuing similar campaigns. "To demonstrate its versatility, consider that both the NAACP and a white supremacist group are signing on. Use your imagination on the white supremacist's ad...if you know what I mean. The NAACP is considering 'F*ck Da Man: Black Power!'" Other groups allegedly interested include the Girl Scouts of America, the ACLU, and McDonald's. No word on possible tag lines for those groups.

"Even we can't mess this up!" crowed an enthused Dean. "On to victory!"

Words of Wisdom: Optimus Prime

Hmmmm...that does not satisfy my logic circuits.

Annual Houdini Seance On Tap for Halloween

October 23, 2007 - Will Houdini finally escape from death? He died in 1926 but not before promising to escape death. His widow held annual seances for ten years waiting for his spirit to contact her. He and she had devised a secret code before his death to prevent any fakery. She gave up after the tenth year, but asked others to continue each Halloween. It has become an institution and famous people show up each year. Maybe the 81st time will be the charm? HOO-DEE-NEE! HOO-DEE-NEE!

NAMBLA Ecstatic: Dumbledore is Gay

October 23, 2007 - NAMBLA has released the following statement:

"We are delighted that J.K Rowling has confirmed the homosexuality of the character Albus Dumbledore in her Harry Potter series. We here at NAMBLA, of course, had already known this to be true. However, it is unfortunate that Ms. Rowling did not confirm the equally obvious Man-Boy love relationship between Dumbledore and Harry Potter. We urge her to find the courage to go on record on this matter as well. It would be a great support to our cause."

When questioned on this statement, an anonymous NAMBLA member had this to say:

"Please, it is SO obvious. Magic wands? Phallic imagery, hullo! Chamber of secrets, wonder what that could be? Come on, even you should see the metaphor in having Harry Potter living "in the closet" until after he goes to Hogwarts and meets Dumbledore. Geez, did you even read the books?"

Ms. Rowling's people had no comment when contacted. However, there is an unconfirmed report that NAMBLA members have all mysteriously broken out with Pustulating Pustules Pox. Or some such thing.

Ron Paul: Real or Imaginary?

October 23, 2007 - By James Olsen - The News Flasher offices had received several inquiries recently asking the same question: "Is Ron Paul for real?" Sensing the importance of this issue to its readership, News Flasher engaged me as a freelance journalist to find some answers. I took to the streets to see what I could find.

"Ron Paul, ain't he something?" said Darlina, a twenty-something professional, in response to my question. "He's going to restore the Constitution!" When I asked Darlina if she had actually met the alleged Mr. Paul in person she became clearly agitated. "Look, he has to be for real, okay? I mean he's...like...in Congress and stuff, isn't he?" Clearly, her trust in Congress was a major strike against her credibility. I'd have to do some further investigation.

Two patrons at a nearby bar were philosophical on the question. "I don't know if he's for real or not," said George, "But his stragedy on defending the constellation is pretty smart. People really like that stuff..." "Constitution," his friend (who wouldn't give his name) gently corrected. "Whatever...just a piece a paper anyhow," mumbled George. I nodded noncomitally and then hurried off when they called the bartender for another round.

I was getting nowhere in a hurry. Wracking my brain for inspiration, I decided to call 4-1-1. "Is Ron Paul real or imaginary?" I asked. "Uhhh, excuse me?" responded the operator. "I'm trying to find out if Ron Paul is for real. Can you help me?" I pleaded, hopeful. The line abruptly ended.

Several further inquiries (including among others, the Oddfellows Lodge, TAPS, and the Lost and Found) netted me no additional details. Watching some television footage, it certainly seemed to me that Mr. Paul must be for real. Still, in this day and age of CGI, who can say?

I will make this statement. I knew Superman. I was a friend of Superman. And you, Mr. Paul, are no Superman.

James "Jimmy" Olsen was on special assignment from the Daily Planet.

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